54 Weeks Ago

Dear Riley,
You know, everybody is so excited for your 1st birthday. And while I totally agree, and am equally excited, I am also excited at the prospect of the fact that Daddy and I have survived, thrived and will most of all celebrate your first year of life with you in two weeks.
We talked last night about how tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of your supposed-to-be first birthday. They tried to force your hand and make you show your little face, and there was no way-no how-no freaking way in hell were you going to show up that day. There were anxious family visits to the hospital that night, text messages overflowing my inbox, and the only way that I managed to get any sleep at all was the Ambien they gave me that made me feel like I was drunk for the first time in, oh, 37 weeks. The only thing we got out of that hospital stay was a huge bruise on my arm from a rookie nurse who couldn't get the IV in the first 2 times she tried, and a Daddy whom it took 1/2 a bottle of gin before he could begin to think about calming down. There was no Riley. Two weeks later, after enough "you haven't had that baby yet" , and "get your sleep while you can", and "go see a movie now!" to fill up my seemingly still expanding stomach, a week in Denver, and the most intense 12 hours of my life, you finally appeared with a glare on your face that spoke to the feelings you had regarding your exit from the warm dark place you had previously resided. I don't think Daddy and I thought we were going to survive the first few weeks- here was this creature, who cried at random times, ate at random times, and slept more often than not. We were warm bodies who held the bottle for you, slaves to do your bidding, even when it included things you hated, like getting your diaper changed. You and I slept together on the futon when Daddy went back to work, and the roofers who were at the time redoing our roof never even seemed to bother you. People would glance knowingly at us when we took you out in public, as if they knew the contents of the car seat we carried had just turned our entire world upside down without even blinking an eye. And now, all of a sudden, you are this toddler, who is learning to manipulate, to get what you want, to play in the fridge, to eat new things, to fall asleep wherever you are, including your highchair before and after eating your dinner. And while two weeks from tommorow I will no doubt be a blubbering wreck who cannot believe that you have been a part of our lives for a year, I will also take a moment to stop and reflect on the person you have made me become- a more sensitive, but sometimes exasperated, caring, but firm, laid back, but anxious, happy, content wife, mother, person. And your Daddy- who puts up a tough front but melted into a goopy puddly mess at the sight of you for the first 2 weeks after you were born, who still looks at you and says oh you are the most perfect little thing, you have turned him into a better man- a better person- and the most awesome Daddy that a girl could ever ask for.
Love you as much as you love your pancakes in the morning,
Momma